If you’ve spent any time on the internet over the last few years, you might have come across the current parenting advice never to make your child say sorry. This approach is broadly consistent with the values of authenticity, consent and innate morality that underpin modern child-rearing. It comes from a place of wanting to help children understand why their actions matter, rather than simply requiring outward compliance.
There is much in this instinct that Christians can appreciate. Most parents want their children to grow into people who are genuinely compassionate, who take responsibility for their actions, and who seek reconciliation because they mean it—not merely because they have been told to do so.
The problem is that, as Christians, we know that people are inherently sinful. Our internal desire is not always to do what is good and right. And our sin is not caused first and foremost by lack of skills, regulation or good examples, but by our own corrupt and wicked hearts. We sin because we want to. The child who has never even seen someone hit another may still whack the child next to them, simply because they can.
Of course, God was kind enough not to leave us to our own wretched desires but sent his Son to rescue us from our sin, and sent his Spirit to regenerate our hearts, aligning them to his. We have been saved from ourselves. This good news is not only for us, but for our children too! Our household is no longer defined by our rebellion, but by our adoption. We are a new creation.
For this reason, my household is not governed primarily by modern child psychology, especially if its underlying belief system teaches that we are, by nature, inherently good. Instead, we are characterised by the gospel we have received, and at the heart of that message is the doctrine of reconciliation.
Reconciliation with God, and also with others, is so integral to the message of salvation that it would be unconscionable to distinguish ourselves by any other standard of morality. This is why we teach our children to say sorry.
With that in mind, here are four principles that guide our household when it comes to reconciliation:
1. When we have sinned, the good and right thing to do is repent—to God and to each other:
“The times of ignorance God overlooked, but now he commands all people everywhere to repent.” (Acts 17:30)
2. When we have been sinned against, the good and right thing to do is forgive—in fact, we are commanded to:
“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Eph 4:32)
3. We choose to do what is good and right regardless of whether we feel like it. It is our convictions that command our actions, not our emotions:
“I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called.” (Eph 4:1)
4. God gives parents authority to teach and train in what is good and right.
“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Prov 22:6)
I know it can be hard to maintain biblical principles when our children harbour bitterness, refuse to apologise or refuse to forgive. And that is often a reality because while we can certainly probe their hearts, changing hearts is far beyond our human capabilities. Only the Holy Spirit can truly convict them of what is right.
Yet it’s the duty of parents to uphold God’s standards. We don’t get to determine for ourselves what is an orderly manner of living. We are a Christian household, so God’s law is our law, and God’s standard is our standard—not because we gain salvation through this righteousness, but because his law is good. It would be improper to allow sin within my household simply because they are small, or know no better, or resist. Their sin is my sin because they are small. I am to blame when I fail to restrain sin.
And as we live in a manner worthy of the gospel we have received, our children not only hear the message of the gospel, but they see it lived out before them. The gospel is the story of God reconciling sinners to himself through Jesus Christ. If that is the message we proclaim, then our homes should be places where that reconciliation is regularly seen. Every apology, every act of forgiveness, and every restored relationship becomes a small picture of the far greater reconciliation God has accomplished for us in Christ. In that sense, the Christian family becomes a living demonstration of the gospel.
How do I teach this?
- Model it. Apologise when you sin against your children and spouse.
- Forgive your children when they sin against you. We don’t hold grudges!
- Hold them accountable for their sin. Do not make excuses for them. Discipline teaches them what is right and wrong, and to withhold it denies them the opportunity to learn and denies justice for the offended. Training teaches them, discipline cements the lesson.
- Appeal to their hearts. Our goal is not changed behaviour, but a changed heart. Use the opportunity to point them to Jesus, the forgiveness he offers, and what he desires for them.
- Pray for them. We are simply tools in the hands of God as he does the work.
What it looks like in practice (for us)
After I’ve disciplined one of my children, I help them repent before God, then take them to the offended person to work through a script that looks a little bit like this. (Every family will look and sound different, and that is good! But I’ve included this just to give you a sense of what it looks like for us.)
Child 1: “I’m sorry for X. Do you forgive me?”
Child 2: “Yes, I forgive you.”
(Note that they’re not saying, “It’s okay”, because it isn’t okay, but we forgive anyway.)
Both children then hug, high five, or give a smile to show the relationship has been restored.
Child 1 needs to fix or replace anything that needs mending (restitution).
It’s important that once forgiveness is extended, it’s finished with and we move forward.
Our prayer is that the Spirit would use the habits of the little years as groundwork for his continued work in their hearts—that these habits would be the seeds of regeneration and sanctification throughout their life. I’m praying that he’d not only convince them of the saving work of the gospel, but of the goodness of obedience and righteous living.
Ultimately, our goal is not that we would have children who are intrinsically motivated to good works, but children who are extrinsically motivated—by the gospel of Jesus Christ.